Peek into my life...

2006...

2006-07-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

I don't really want to flip anymore you know...
Jing's bday, CNY, law bash, CHP, pharmaco and COFM exams, Shanghai trip, psychomed, then the downhill... these are the things I can remember of 2006...

As people start to tell me, I have become a totally changed person. I don't realize it myself, but its true, its become a chronic state.
I guess as you grow older and go through more in life, you begin to lose the child in you more and more. Its a degenerative process which no one can escape, and eventually leads to... well... dementia and death I suppose.

Maybe last time I was too naive. Always wanted to be a little princess, living in a fairy tale world, always happy, always chirpy, forgets things easily and moves on...
I guess its a gift I've had, being able to do so, unaffected by big emotional stressors or pressure to mature and grow up. Something that I have taken for granted.

Guess now its been taken away, the child in me. Its like someone has brought the brutal and harsh world right in front of my eyes, and thrown me in, deep in. I really miss those times I was in my little fairytale land, and each time I stepped closer to the brutal world, I would take a quick look and run back in disgust. But life has to go on.

Somehow, I have begun to dislike my own blogskin. It looks too happy, too bright, too pretty for the contents of my posts. The pink and purple stars doesn't reflect me at all, not anymore. I face the change in my life, not with the greatest enthusiasm, but with a responsibility. Moving on in this brutal world is something I have to do, a duty I have to fufil, duty to my parents, to my relatives, to my friends, to my future patients and the society as a whole. I don't like it, not a single bit. But now I learn to appreciate smaller things in life, the little things that make you happy. Never back to the 100% happy like before, but nevertheless, anything above baseline is good.

Many thanks to everyone who has lent a helping hand, as I struggled with the transition to the dark world. I was thrown in some 2 months ago, head hitting the ground first. But now, I am on my feet again. Not the most stable stance I have, but step by step, I begin to learn to walk on the rough terrain. From now on, I know that each fall will be much harder, more painful and possibly more fatal than falling on the grass covered meadows. I know that I will sustain more cuts, more bruises and maybe more fractures or broken bones, but it is time to be brave. Brightly coloured flowers will no longer be a common sight, but each one will be more beautiful than before.

This will officially be my last blog entry here.

In the past week, I have been blogging on another blog, and I don't want to look back anymore.

PS: ask me for my blog address if you want to know.

no more pink and purple, no more stars.

Its the first step in the other world.

It is time.

Then I continue flipping, to 2005...

2006-06-29T00:18:00.000+08:00

Started the year with CAs...
But January 21st was the fateful deciding day.
Now, 18 months later, who would have imagined?
Back then, we drove along the airport runway with Des in the car... just talking...
But now, ok I haven't met Des in a long time! and the rest will never happen again...
Back then, people just started turning 21, loads of parties we attended together...
But now, ok we are old people now, almost 22!
Back then, we started donning white coats and hanging stethoscopes around our necks, gleaming with pride and glory...
But now, I'm beginning to find that stethoscope kindof heavy...
Back then, we played volleyball in the sentosa beach...
But now, I don't even know if it is appropriate to go anymore...
Back then, I surprised him on his 21st birthday, all that meticulous planning executed so perfectly...
But 1 year on, took me lots of effort to squeeze out the words "happy birthday" in a decent tone
Back then, we felt so lost in the NUH ward 43, our 1st real posting...
Now, surgery elective completed, but I still feel lacking in information to even pass my MBBS....
Back then, we gobbled one whole tub of Sara Lee Rocky Road ice cream at the suntec sky garden...
Now, seeing that ice cream makes me want to puke
Back then, I complained about social obligations...
Now, I regret, but too late.
And then, 2005 ended, still well, with my Hokkaido trip, Christmas party and of cos, the 21st birthday bash...
And I remember Olly the Hextopus...

Flipping backwards...to 2004

2006-06-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

For some queer reason, I decided to re-read my blog from the beginning again...

In the year of 2004:

Back then,we were so close...
Now... Ha I really don't want to talk about it
Back then, it was the beginning of M2, the time I read the Da Vinci code and first played FFX...
Now, its the da vinci movie and FFXII I believe
Back then, we studied "Caseous Necrosis: macroscopically presented as a white cheesy substance."
Now, we study "subarachnoid haemorrhage is usually caused by a ruptured berry aneurysm, most likely isolated"
Back then, Chengsi trotted off to california as a freshie...
Now, she's one year to graduation.
Back then, I struggled with patho, microB, neuroscience, pharmaco and COFM...
Now, I struggle with Surgery, Medicine, Psychomed, Paeds and radiology...
Back then, we had great fun in Bangkok with yanru, roy and tian too!
Now, China trips with family seem to be on my agenda...
Back then, I blogged about my jealousy with regard to his residual soft spot for Sheena...
Now, he uses her "tactics" on me...
But the 2004 still ended well, with the Nanjing/Shanghai trip, christmas party and, as always, my birthday party...
I remember the orange worm present we named Ignaro...

yay! school finally begins again...

2006-06-25T10:08:00.000+08:00

I dunno what to do sometimes, I really don't know.

When I'm with my friends, I feel just great u know! like really great.. really appreciate the company, the fun the joy the laughter...

But when I am alone, life really sucks.
I hate loneliness, totally hate it.. can't wait to start school!
I hope my postings will be jammed pack, just leave me totally drained at the end of each day and not giving me any single extra second to breathe, or to think.

If u read this my dearest Kan:
Please, don't ask me about hanting again... don't ask me why either... I couldn't bring myself to tell you directly, or explain to you all the cruelty in the world, more so than you've already experienced. Someday, you will probably come to understand, hopefully in a more gentle manner. But for now, enjoy your right to be innocent, to be ignorant, and to live in your own little world, un-polluted by the evilness and selfishness of mankind. Just please, don't ask me about hanting again...

I need to cry...

2006-06-21T17:01:00.000+08:00

I wish I had a little castle,
One away from all the hustle and bustle
One where I can retreat to, just to cry
And hear just myself and the leaves rustle.

But I don't...

Someone just let me cry... Mom, Dad...home is the only place I have left...
I can't cry in the LT, OT or clinic...
I keep telling everyone I am fine...
I try hard to be the happy little girl...cos I don't want anyone to worry about me...
But everything keeps coming back...
I hate him I hate him I hate him...its true... I do...
I hold back tears every day and everywhere...
Surely that justifies me crying for one day?

Many a times I want to run, just leave everything and run far far away... like run to find Nevernever land...u know?
But each time I think of everyone, I have no more courage...
I don't want you to face a million questions on having a missing daughter...
I know many in the family are counting on me to become a doctor...
I am trying... I promise you I am trying hard... I promise I won't let u down...
But please... just let me cry... please...

Mom...
You know I thought the trip would do me good...
I thank you for it, for it almost did...
Do u remember the majestic mountain? the brilliant performance?
You know I was so engrossed in the whole thing...
For the first time in my life, I really believed in the mountain god...
I wrote a lot on my wish paper, I followed the paper, and I felt so uplifted...
I really worshipped the mountain god you know...
He seemed to be protecting me, and taking all my troubles away, and for once I truly felt happy...
I stood on that majestic platform and did the ritual over and over again...
I had so much tears of joy...
Each time, I felt so glad, so thankful to be there, so thankful I had the chance to exist in the world, to enjoy the little birds, trees, grass, rivers, clouds...
But...
But...
Why did Dad have to destroy it all?
Just with that disapproving and angry look of his... with those few irritated hand gestures of his...he broke the spell...
All so I could stand and wait outside the toilet!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
From that moment on, the magic was gone...
It wasn't worth it you know... it really wasn't...
I was so close to achieving enlightenment...
All the gloominess around me was being lifted so fast and high, almost high enough to be blown away by the wind...
Almost...
But at that moment it all came crashing down...
Like a durian falling from the sky and wham on my head...
now with all the thorns stuck I can't even pull it out...
I feel so horrible you know... so horrible...
Why did he do that... why...

Someone just let me cry... please... just let me cry...

Hospitals

2006-06-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

Hospitals are therapeutic in more ways than one.
The acutely ill get admitted and hopefully come out cured.
The chronically ill get recurrent admissions with hope of symptomatic control.
Though not all are stories of success, the hospital just gives people hope...

On a drizzling Sunday afternoon, a Queensway shopping trip with my parents was the plan. But in the car, a certain name was mentioned and things turned sour. On arrival, I emerged from the car, tears streaming down my face, and just kept walking, ipod blasting in my ears, I just wanted to get away, away from it all. But no... she came after me, she kept hounding, her voice was blasting louder than my ipod, the name just kept appearing...much clearer than guang liang's voice through the earphones...

Why can't you just let me go? let me be? get that name away!!!!

I screamed frantically. There was a band of tightness around my head and chest, my heart was pounding, I felt shortness of breath, I just couldn't take it anymore... and I started to run, just run...just get away...

I eventually reached the gate of Alexandra Hospital, and I just stood outside and looked in. The rain probably prevented anyone from taking walks for the gardens were empty. But somehow, there was this tranquility to the whole place. The serenity of the whole place calmed me down, the peach coloured walls looked warm and assuring and I found myself entering the hospital compounds...

I treaded along the garden and up the slopes, rain drizzling down, I felt more at peace. I looked at the carpark, the front porch and my mind started to relax bringing back nice memories of my surgical elective.
A man in a white shirt hurridly walked past... the only other human being in that rainy garden. Something struck me about him, something about the way he walked and his build... then I suddenly realized who he was. I felt my head lifting up, my mood elevated, and I quickly cleared my throat and shouted out: "Dr R!" He turned back, and that brought a smile to my face. We talked for a while, oblivious to the drizzle. He knew my situation, and his words were comforting and consoling. We bid farewell as I wished him good luck with his mugging. With a smile on my face, I turned back towards Queensway.

See, hospitals are therapeutic :) Thanks Dr R :) I wish you all the best too...

To a dear friend...

2006-06-10T18:36:00.000+08:00

In the past few days, I have been...
But...

I received a really nice email!

It wasn't too many words...

It wasn't made up of bombastic words...

It was more like...

But after reading the email...

I was so touched and...

And now...

and

LIYING!!!

This is

A big hug and loads of thanks ...

Enjoy the hols~ and take care!!!

seriously...

2006-06-07T20:59:00.000+08:00

I dun even know what I am doing anymore.

Just a year ago, at this time, i was a happy girl. Clad in dark blue shorts and a dark blue OP shirt with my hair in a mess, but still, I was a happy girl.
At least I knew better what i was doing, where i was heading.
Now, I am just a lost wondering soul who suffers from ataxia and polyphagia.
Plus, I am so bloody high strung I found myself pissed with a bastard who stood in front of me and blocked my way up the bus to let his girlfriend in front of him. What an idiot, totally felt like bashing him up. Plus the horrible couples who block the escalator so they can smooch and get their hands all over the place... completely disgusting!

Des says "relax".

Argh... Haoyun... think... happy thoughts. At least someone like Daryl understands :)

so Happy thought of the day:
YR and Jolin gobbled up the cookies! They were nice... yay~ I think its easier to be a baker than a doctor or a girlfriend. darn.
I want to bake somemore... makes me happy.
Next happy thought (ok not that happy) but prof evan lee finally replied me. at long last. gotta thank Robless for bugging him. heh. Thanks prof =p

I believe in...

2006-06-07T00:53:00.000+08:00

des.ti.ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dst-n)n. pl. des·ti·nies
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.
A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control

This is my life story, the way it is meant to be.
It was all predetermined, beyond human power or control.
This is my destiny.
Accept it.

Just exactly a year ago. I remember all too well.
The balloons, party, giant black card board, phone calls from ben, the friends, the party, the surprise, the Lana cake, the present, the frog dance.
Just a year ago. exactly.

In a year, a chicken can lay 365 eggs so I guess it is a pretti long time eh?
Yea it is, cos in a year, things have changed beyond recognition.
In a year, I have become a terrible creature falling darker into a bottomless pit, exactly like all those patients in the psychomed ward who are on fluoxetine and amitryptyline combined.

On the upside, at least Daryl, Des and Kejia made my day. Thanks guys~ its these little things that make me drag myself through each day.

Let's Salsa...

2006-06-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

Ok. Next week, I will do something about it.
Martini's somehow aren't enough to make me drunk... and my great exercise/diet plan isn't going too great with awfully chocolate cakes and baking sessions with my gal pals :)

So here he appears again, and somehow I do feel a bit like Meredith Grey... so near, yet so far. Ok fine I have enough of self-delusion the truth needs to be out. How much I love you or hate you, I know all too well. When I see you walk past the glass door, my heart skips a beat... I dunno if I should laugh or cry. P says: "Hey... I haven't seen u in a long time, where is ur bf? He's doing medicine also right?", and I can only manage "No, law", and a gracious smile. As we start our shines, my mind drifts away. But then I catch the brown guy walking through the door at the corner, and I miss a count.

I kept thinking that you would reach me all too soon, and I kept the laughter, for I didn't know what else I should do. The encounter ended much faster than I expected, and I guess that wasn't too bad. I hung around at fiesta, and noticed you in the corner. I stole multiple quick glances, as thoughts flooded my head. I tried to formulate my thoughts into words, but by then, u were gone. I scanned the studio frantically, weaving in between the couples. I tried to look for that familiar black bag, but it just wasn't there. I stood against the wall, hyperventilating and holding back tears, then in my usual rational fashion, walked back steadily to join the gang.

I seriously wish I had poorer alcohol tolerance.

Ok.

2006-05-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

Fine, I admit it.
I AM A MESS.
Things have NOT been going good.
My self-deception is reaching its limits,
And everyone else has seen right through it.

I failed to achieve resolution.
And time can only heal surgical wounds, nothing else.
Alcohol: Heals nothing.

I am so damned.

The brain was not made to think about itself.

2006-05-20T09:09:00.000+08:00

That's why neurologist are... zai~
Neuro isn't really my cup of tea. Interesting it may be, but requires too much brain power. heh...

Last week was a very fufilling week for me =) Went night blading, watched Man of Letters, Da Vinci Code with a great bunch of friends, and met up with Des last night. Also spent yesterday in OT... well... the great aortic dissection op =p.

You know I really wonder why cardiothoracic surgeons are so... well in need of stress and anger management courses. Seriously, does screaming and scolding the regs and MOs in the OT do any good to anything at all? I mean... yes you are facing a bleeding aorta with blood squirting all over but so are your assistants! Its a team effort isn't it? I admire all surgeons for their skills and decisiveness in face of adversity... but I distinguish the best surgeons the rest based on their temperament in the OT...

Talking with Des on Friday night was really enlightening. The reasons why relationships breakdown is often because of other people... what others expect of the 2 of you, how other influence each of you to be different from how u were before... its so real...
Maybe Des, I do need to spend life thinking about life... and maybe write my life story! Haha... Thanks Des~

Next up: NNI

2006-05-14T12:43:00.000+08:00

Its been a good one week since I updated and since then, my m3 surgical electives have officially come to a close. For me, it was a great period of learning, a little bit of "medical" stuff, but more so "non-medical" stuff. My little report is on the way, and gives me a good excuse to pop by NUH! haha...yay~

to Jen Ming: is friday still on? Please tell me it is...

I'm so grateful for the chance to work alongside a surgeon who respects me all so well, and not just brush me away like I am a filthy pesty little medical student. A Surgeon who knows that I am severely knowledge deficient, but doesn't depise me for that. I appreciate the way he guides me along without holding my hand, but catches hold of me when I fall. He then tells me I have to move on bravely and not look back, move on with courage, and caution. He brings me out like I am part of the team, tells me tips from his own past experiences. On the final day when I pop by his room to say bye...

Me: Hi Prof, I'm sorry to disturb (he was talking to another prof), I think I'll make a move first...
Prof: Sure. Thank you for the past 4 weeks...
Me (*stunned*): Thanks Prof, I'll be back about my report.... (voice trailing off...)

I can't believe he said thank you to me...

Thinking back, I didn't do much... (except maybe run some little errands like buying cake and getting scan results and cameras and answering pages... which I consider to be part of my scope of work as his student anyway...)

Ok I tell u, now he is my favourite Prof =)

To Liying: I swear he isn't scary =p

Showed this photo to Linus the other day... just think its really awe inspiring... the intensity and concentration involved... amazing... Makes me want to be a surgeon =p

My computer is down again!!!!

2006-05-07T15:43:00.000+08:00

yes it is... sucks... Bet its some hardware problem cos I can't even reformat the system... darn...
And me report still not done!!! *grumble grumble grumble*

On a happier note:
Me love me class =) Ok, me love the usual ppl =p

Looking forward to tmr! Hopefully me get to go AH again =)

Blading...

2006-05-05T17:05:00.000+08:00

The sun, the sand and the sea, topped off with nice jap food and red bean dessert *yum* (which i forgot to take photo off...)
Perfect way to spend the day...

Long overdue photos

2006-05-05T16:52:00.000+08:00

Mini party at my place :D

I love my friends -grin-

Aiyor Jolin two of us so poor thing no boyfriend... =(

But we still manage to 'kop' Belle for a while... haha

Luv u guys =)

LOTR quiz

2006-05-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

You scored as Samwise. You're Samwise Gamgee! Samwise the brave is the most loyal friend that you could ever ask for. He'll be there for you through thick and thin, and be willing to do anything for you.
"There is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

Samwise

75%

Eowyn

75%

Arwen

56%

Gandalf

56%

Aragorn

50%

Pippin

50%

Frodo

44%

Faramir

31%

Gollum

19%

Which LOTR character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

How sad... I was hoping to be Arwen... But at least I'm not gollum...

Computer down again...

2006-05-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

I assure everyone my lack of blog entries is due to my lack of a computer and not anything else. Thanks to everyone who called/msged/talked to me to find out how I am... well here is the reply... I guess I am overall okay... not to say I am not angry/sad/irritated but just that I'm handling fine... electives have been good fun + good distraction and I'm sad that surg electives are ending in a week... =( But like Peter Robless says... "it is definitely an elective to remember" =) I'm so glad he is my supervisor -grin-

OT session - pseudoaneurysm case I think

This is an aortic graft, blood soaked one, from a stenting procedure that turned into an emergency laparotomy. Oh well, the guy didn't make it though...

My all time favourite Milo break!!!! yum... tell me abt the 181 calories and 5.7 grams of fat in that can of Milo...

Yippee... electives are so fun! I wish they would last longer...

Tell me about it...

2006-04-29T22:51:00.000+08:00

"I stay with someone only because I think I can marry her. When I think she is not suitable to be my wife, then there is no point staying together anymore."

Is this statement flawed? or am I childish?

Electives...

2006-04-21T23:13:00.000+08:00

Haven't had much energy or mood to blog recently, but things are beginning to pick up a little bit. So after a week of shock and denial, plus 4 days of depression, I guess I have woken up a little. Electives at Vascular was 100x more than I could ever ask for. The 1st week was simply great, I've got a fantastic x 1000 supervisor and life at school has never been better! CTVS has been feeding us really well (Linus and JenMing can testify to that), plus I've had the oppourtunity to meet experts from states, see new products being tested, drug reps, dinner at sheraton, lunch at Min Jiang, fantastic signs and symptoms, new info learnt everyday... seriously no one gets electives this good =) So it has really helped elevate my mood I guess... I look forward so much to going to NUH and dread the end of it all...

To end off the week, I trotted off to salsa class for the 1st time in a long long time and... wow! Dancing with rubber bands in between u and ur partner, meeting a whole bunch of new friends, there reall isn't much as I can ask for... I think I am beginning to see the side of my life I have never explored before...

I still hate him for what he did to me. Made me learn a very important lesson about how people can be so cold and heartless, people you never expect. But glad to know that this is balanced by warmth in the world, which makes this place so much more livable. Enough said I guess, I just want him out, disappeared forever. I don't think we can ever be friends, I don't want such a heartless friend.

Thanks to all who are seeing me through all these, I'm glad I have all of you, and that I have learned to appreciate those who really care. Some people just don't appreciate everything u give them, a good lesson learned.

so the end is here

2006-04-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

end of psychomed posting, prob the last exam we have in M3 yar? its another year gone past (well almost cos electives don't count). A year of ups, and downs, that ended with a bang. (no exclamation mark). yes, it is THE END.

You know in horrible times like this, I'm glad I have people by my side. Friends who will listen, friends who care, friends who keep u company, I'm glad I have them all. I guess friendship is a special thing... and I give all my friends a big hugz! I really wished thursday would have lasted forever. Sitting next to the teeny weeny stove in am attempt to stuff in 500g of spaghetti, cutting onions and garlic and pandan cake, watching the cheese melt over pie in the oven, little LOTR education session, playing with toffee, citadels, cranium etc., dinner + good talk over mushroom pasta, mahjong + prawn crackers at night... all these unfortunately cut too short by a horrible someone breathing down my neck (supposedly in an attempt to make me happy... but a terribly failed attempt. how unfortunate.)

But it is these happy events and happy people that make these day liveable, that are good prognostic factors, acting against my possible decline into a major depressive episode.

So a big thanks to all of you, in no particular order: mommy, yanru, shunting, darryl, nde, weijian, wailoon, cj, addie, jianhong... *hugz*

I am looking forward to sunday... can't wait to more friends :D

i lost my watch!!!

2006-04-10T08:43:00.000+08:00

argh... lost my white swatch watch at CGH last friday... thought I could find it but I could... sob

the only way out?

2006-04-03T18:58:00.001+08:00

sometimes u look at the world, the people around u, the things around u, and u just feel like hiding in the corner.

Avoidance, they call it.

When people have suicidal ideations/actions, do they voluntarily walk over the edge, or are they really pushed over the edge?

I feel this tight band around my head,
it just seems to be getting tighter and tighter everyday.
I want to hide away from the world, in my own little corner.
But I know that I will disappoint too many people.
I just want to sit in the corner and cry,
but life doesn't allow me to do so, it just keeps moving on...with or without me
I feel so lost, so terrible...
But I know many people care about me...
therefore I have to be strong.
I try...
but i feel my insides crumbling, day by day, night by night.

I wish he would give me the strength I need, to face my life.
I wish he would give me the shoulder I need, just to cry on.
I wish, just wish he would understand... that I need him too.

Makeover.

2006-04-02T23:42:00.000+08:00

I don't look like myself.

Time to pour it all out....

2006-04-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

Gotta do a presentation on depression tomorrow.

Psychomed is really getting on me... I'm starting to diagnose myself and my friends...
for the record, I am CERTAIN I have BULIMIA NERVOSA, the non-purging type and very very likely a DYSTHYMIC DISORDER... as observed by my parents...

Despite having cleared the pharmaco and cofm exams, my life isn't getting any better. I still haven't found my purpose in life, self-esteem is at a low, and I am just wasting my time away. I like school I guess, cos at least it takes my mind away. The times when I am all alone, sitting at home, I begin to wonder why I am like that.

Why is it that I have no motivation to do anything? why is it that I am not getting much satisfaction from my work at all? Do I really want to be a doctor? What happened to the me that was so determined to get those 4As back in JC? What happened to the me that used to be nice and friendly to everyone? What happened to the me that had so much more determination to exercise and keep fit? What happened to the me who was mostly happy? What happened to the me who had so many things to pack my life with? What happened to all my fun-filled weekends? What happened to my life????

I ain't feel any good nowadays. Really...
I feel a lack of people around me, all my weekends seem so lonely when I should be out having fun. I turn to my mommy, but mommys are mommys, they can be friends, but they are still more than double your age, they just don't understand what it feels like sometimes... in fact, most of the time. I mean, I love my mommy and daddy, and olly too, but I feel I need more than that...

sometimes I just sit on my bed and cry, then I gradually drift off to sleep.... why... why... why...

gosh I think it is time I should start making a big difference to my life. Lots of things need to go out, new things need to come in..... but how how how??? I wish I knew... I wish I knew...

I am envious of almost everyone nowadays, like really, even my sister. Even her life seems more fufilling, competitions here, trainings there, then having loads of essays, readings... sigh...

I think I need routine in my life. Routine like every saturday morning wake up and jog, then mug then meet ting for lunch then come home for dinner then shop for groceries then sunday morning wake up and jog then mug then dunno what already.... argh!!!!! see this is why I don't know what I am doing in my life... maybe I should go learn something new, really. I thought about re-taking up golf, just for leisure, but my membership card has officially expired the day I turned 21 so no more place for me to play even. darn. maybe I should learn guitar, like seriously do something else with my life...I should get on with my salsa too... maybe that will add some spice to my life, fill up my time and maybe my mind won't be thinking so much, let me be physically drained and not mentally...

the quest to find the happy haoyun shall begin...

Psychomed...

2006-03-29T00:11:00.000+08:00

Was just writing my case report a few minutes back, still not done with it. You know, psychomed isn't as slack as I thought it would be, or as friends reported it would be! Clerking patients takes up really a lot of time, which I haven't had time to do cos of the endless tutorials and lectures. I'm not sure I like people like Freud who come up with all sorts of theories that are totally above me, leaving my jumping up and down trying to grasp whatever little bit of what he is saying that I can reach. But I must admit Psychiatry has its interesting points, like all the stories that the lecturers tell us, little experiences from their work, makes lectures and tutorials loads more interesting! I also realized that I have signs and symptoms suggestive of bulimia, which is kindof scary. Having said all that, psych is fun - but not the thing for me.

In response to ting's "why u never update your blog?", I've decided to do so, as well as answer the question. =)

I was just thinking about it. You see, I used to be one who would practice free expression of thoughts and emotions on my blog. But ever since a particular not-so-good incidence earlier this year related to such unrestricted free expression, I realized that my blog entries then converted to merely a narration of my life rather than reflecting my thoughts and feelings. I didn't do it consciously, but guess such actions developed as a sort of defense mechanism, to keep unwanted events and comments in my unconscious.
You see, the incident has led to the formation of an association between free expression of emotions as being something unacceptable. So my brain employs repression as a defense mechanism to prevent such unacceptable acts from reaching my conscious awareness. So even though I do not consciously try to forget about free expression, the thought is still removed from my conscious awareness and that translates to my lack of blog entries reflecting free expression.

Ting do u get it do u get it? lotsa lateral thinking involved here ok... Freud style...

So now that I have gained insight into this 'unconscious' by being my own analyst, I can therefore help myself to counter this 'unconscious' and recorrect the association between 'free expression' and 'unacceptable' in my cognition. Get it get it? So in other words it means that I will be back to blogging more free expression style, gettit gettit? I think that will make me feel better, give me a plae to vent my frustrations, to pour out my problems, and relieve myself of some tension...

But not now, I'm too tired. Will try tomorrow...

Johari and Nohari's Window

2006-03-18T00:06:00.000+08:00

Here's mine! Please contribute...

This is the one where u do...
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Haoyun
And this is my window...
http://kevan.org/johari?view=Haoyun

This is the one where u do...
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Haoyun
And this is my window...
http://kevan.org/nohari?view=Haoyun

I'm back!

2006-03-16T12:25:00.000+08:00

Haha with the exams finally over and me back from my Shanghai getaway... I won't say I am looking forward to psychomed... but a break is always great! 2 days left only though... bleah...

Shanghai is really different as compared to the first time I visited in 1997, boy I love the place! Spending money there also feels great cos where else can u get bubble tea complete with pearls for 2RMB, or get SIXTEEN xiao long baos for 8RMB! -grin- [Conversion rate is S$1 = 5RMB] oh yes plus the most fantastic nice big and sweet strawberries for 12RMB a KG! (those packets u buy at NTUC have 500g and cost almost 6 bucks!) yay! yippee... I think i shall consider doing my M4 elective in China... Wheee.... contrary to popular belief, the hospitals there are actually quite big and nice! highly comparable to NUH! Haha... the interesting thing there is that doctors NEVER set plugs, draw blood, or give injections =p

So anyway, the 1 week I spent there was just eat shop eat shop eat shop... bleah...
Ok many a times eating was to keep warm cos there was a sudden temperature drop over a few days and I wasn't at all prepared ie. didn't bring thick enough clothing. Out of the blue it started to snow too! So that is my excuse for drinking lotsa warm bubble tea and lots of hot shao1 bing3 -grin-

Exercise wasn't quite on my mind despite the nice gym cos it was just too cold to drag yourself out in the mornings... it was too nice and cosy under the covers -grin-. So now I think i have to go on a mad diet... heh... try...

Photos always tell the story better!

There was nice and cheap food...

Not too bad scenary...

Exciting Shopping...

And of course great fun!!!

Wheee.....

Olly the Hextopus (Part 2)

2006-02-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

And so the story continues...

Promptly after his birthday, Olly took part in a paegant and was then crowned MR CHARISMA! *applause*
But poor Olly didn't have time to play or enjoy as he had exams up coming... Pharmacology and COFM, which he hated. So soon after the paegant, the mugging began...

Olly spent hours pondering about the diagrams in Katzung...

It was so puzzling he kept scratching his head...
Attempts to refer to the CPG and notes were often futile...

Coffee and Ipod was a must!

Sigh... Pharmaco and COFM are tough...

6 days left

2006-02-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

When you can't remember all the side effects or any preventive measures for disability, this is what you do.

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Good stuff. My blog IS PURPLE! ok... pink and purple... haha =)

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable.
You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Teeheehee now I have sudden craving for taco.

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

That's good... my myocardium is well perfused.

You Are 11 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Oh no nowonder everyone thinks I have an older sister...

You Are Cherry Pie

You're the perfect combo of innocent and sexy
Those who like you enjoy a contradiction

What Kind of Pie Are You?

not a big fan of cherries...

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.
You focus on living a quality life.
You're not easily impressed with novelty.
Yet, you easily impress others.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

Yum...

You Are Chunky Monkey Ice Cream

Truthfully, you're too spazzy to be chunky - you cheeky monkey!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

Oh my god this IS my favourite! Ok, chunky monkey and cherry garcia -grin-

Your Scholastic Strength Is Evaluating

You are great at looking at many details and putting them all together.
You are talented at detecting subtle trends, accuracy, and managing change.

You should major in:

Statistics
Speech
Conflict studies
Communication
Finance
Medicine

What Should You Major In?

Yay yay yay yay yay! Medicine IS in the list.... yay yay yay yay yay!
But why am I still struggling... Grrrr...
Ok... attempt to get back to work (most likely unsuccessful)

sigh... i dun like exams =(

2006-02-25T20:50:00.000+08:00

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman.And only NYC is fast enough for you.Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer careerOr simply take in all the city has to offer.

What'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/whatcitydoyoubelonginquiz/">What City Do You Belong In?

Olly the Hextopus

2006-02-20T00:23:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a hextopus (6 legged creature) named Olly.

Olly was part of Tingy's birthday present to me last year, he came to me in a big blue box. Hanting said Olly was the most ugly soft toy he could find, meant to be a contrast to all my other cute ones. Also, he intended for Olly to be the "voodoo Hanting", one in which I could vent all my frustrations related to him (ting) on, so that I would always be nice to him when we met. Little did he expect what was to come...

Olly slept in my arms at the chalet that night, and followed me home onto my bed. Despite his droopy eyelids, Olly is actually smiling! How cute.... Aw..... Quickly, Olly earned his position in the house and constantly became the recipient of our tender loving care. Most of his time was spent overlooking our studies, taking afternoon naps complete with pillows and blankets, at the dining table with seaweed, or sleeping in either of our arms at night.

A song was even created in his honour, and this is how it goes:
Olly the hextopus,
He's green and has six legs.
With big round eyes and a wry smile,
I'll hug him straight to bed.

This song could be heard multiple times in the house, with different voices all the time. Of course, Hanting heard it lots over the phone too, courtersy of Jin Entertainment.

On the morning of Chinese New Year, Daddy found Olly new clothes to wear, just like everyone else! Jin and I helped to decorate and personalize his clothes, so he would be ready to meet everyone else! He even had new boots, orange and red ones!

Needless to say, Olly went visiting and collected red packets too, including one from Mommy. Yay!

February 16 was the day marked as Olly's birthday. Hextopi come to age at the age of 6, and Olly just turned one. A celebration was prepared for him, complete with a birthday song, cake, candles and not forgetting the prezzies! Jin made Olly a cap, while Mommy bought him a necklace with a big letter 'O'.

So that is the life of Olly thus far.... I'm sure he will have more exciting adventures to come...

Happy Birthday Olly!

GRRR... to hell with Winfixer...

2006-02-13T14:44:00.000+08:00

Yes my computer has been infected with this terrible virus which keeps giving me pop-ups and its irritating. Interestingly enough, I first encountered this virus on one of the comps in the med library and silly me ALMOST downloaded it without knowing its a virus! (or so that's what the websites say...)

Anyway, a little update here is required I guess =p
Currently in hibernation mode for the upcoming March 6 and March 8. Very important events, more so since I am flying off to Shanghai on the 9th of March and NOT intending to come back for the vivas... Pray... Hope... COFM... Pharmaco... *bleah*

Law Ball is coming up this Friday and I still dunno what to wear!!!! ARGh.... ting u betta thank me for this, I didn't even go for the Medfac D n D... I'm glad I made some friends at supper the last time though... at least I won't be COMPLETELY lost with some nice people around me
-grin-

Over the past week, Ting did me the GREATEST favour by installing the game Harvest Moon in my computer and I was so addicted that my studies were greatly affected. Thanks Ting. The good part about it is, my game has progressed to winter and it is boring cos there are no crops to plant and no berries to pick and I am not exactly a great fan of having children. So that will keep me away from the computer for a while...

Celebrated Mommy's birthday on Saturday over Buffet at Pariss International Seafood Restaurant at Marina Square. Ok now I know why people like my daddy and ting like the place, cos its all meat and seafood and I am no meat or seafood lover. Bleah... Horrible Daddy won't be in Singapore for Mommy's birthday! *grumble*

Ok enough time spent on the computer for what was supposed to be a "register elective" session. I think I shall go mug in school tmr...and I need to detox...

Law Bash...

2006-02-03T01:47:00.000+08:00

Clubbing is fun when:

no one cares how u dance
there is no school the next day
supper is nice

Law Bash@Indochine
I still have the stamp on my hand...

CNY 2006

2006-01-31T23:05:00.000+08:00

Well, turned out to be better than I expected I must say. Make the most out of it I guess.

Spent day 1 at home and at my grandma's place, day 2 visited Hanting, some family friends and had prata supper with Hanting's law friends. Day 3 had some old family friends over for dinner.

Some realizations:

Ok, I realized my cousins (and I) have really grown up. Seeing little (or rather not so little) Jing reminds me of the days where we all didn't want to wear skirts/dresses for CNY. This year my grandma finally exclaimed that all of us look like girls. -grin-
Still on the topic of dressing up, Prata supper with the law people wasn't that great. I wasn't so much bothered about the fact that we were on slightly different wavelengths (that is understandable since I am not a law student). But was more perturbed by their dressing. Maybe the problem lies with me again. But if I was going to Chomp Chomp for supper wouldn't a T-shirt and a denim skirt suffice? In fact if it was just with other people I would have worn a t-shirt and my FBTs! But no, tube tops with pretty flowers and long flowy skirts appeared to be the average attire for the occasion. Not to mention make-up plus other accessories and heels. Oh well, I seriously wonder if I am underdresssed or if they are overdressed. Then again, considering that makeup, heels and pretty clothes are their normal school attire, maybe I am the one underdressed. Gosh I feel so out of place.
I can't control my food intake!!! argh... I keep snacking, I need to stop stop stop!
I need to start mugging, like really soon soon soon!
Law bash is tmr night!!!! Argh.... should I go should I go should I go???? Argh.... but I will feel super out of place again... argh....

Random thoughts flowing...

2006-01-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

2 hours into the 1st day of CNY. Normally, I would be sleeping soundly and all excited to get up and wear my new pretty clothes and go visiting.. but things just aren't the same anymore. I dread the quietness in the house tmr morning, then the dreary trip to my grandma's house, which is more empty during CNY than it is normally.

Sigh.

Just returned from Chinatown where seeing firecrackers for the first time in my life has gotta be the only highlight. But as the fireworks ended, it also dawned on me what a boring CNY I was to have.

Sigh.

U see, CNY is a holiday which I should be glad for... but then it isn't the kindof holiday u can do anything u want cos u still have obligations to go here and there and do this and that.

Sigh.

Gone are the days of fun, joy and laughter. The days where keropok was such a novelty and Chinese New Year was a big family affair. I guess we all grow up, grow apart, grow away.

Sigh.

Happy Chinese New Year to all having a great time out there. I certainly ain't looking forward to the next 24 hours and the only reason why I am blogging and not sleeping at this hour is so that I will be really tired and knocked out and sleepy tomorrow such that I might be able to kill some time and have an excuse not to visit my grandma so early.

CNY will never be the same as before. No more everyone dress up, little jing jing bouncing around, exciting dinner, eating tons of keropok and sparkler session at night. I have a large number of boxes of sparklers at home and I just want someone to play them with u know? I miss my friends during the CNY hols u know? school is much less boring I swear...

Haojin: I dunno if you are as bored and as sian and as unexcited about CNY as I am. Maybe u r sleeping soundly now. I dunno. I dread going to grandma's house tomorrow. You know how people feel lonely when they spend CNY in a foreign land? I feel like I am in a foreign land. U know, sometimes I really hate my cousins for having fun elsewhere and leaving me all alone in Singapore... I really do. But then again, thinking again, it was my fault too. Who knows if I didn't choose to do Medicine I may be somewhere else in the world too!

Next CNY, maybe its a good idea to just leave everything behind and take it like a true holiday, one where I can tread to a different part of the world. One where I won't be upset, won't be lonely.

Hey mom, you counted how much cookies we should have made, but I think u over estimated... by a lot, there isn't really anyone around is there?

I want to cry. All that effort for CNY just isn't worth it you know... I feel so hurt... and for one of the first times in my life I am actually envying other people when they get to meet their cousins... I know Chengyi must be having it worse, but maybe she'll be gone too next year... then I am really going to make concrete overseas plans.

let tmr pass quickly... please...

Jing's Birthday Celebration

2006-01-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

Ok. In an attempt to push down the previous post, here goes... long overdue photos of Jing's 12th Birthday!! Haha, to her it marks the start of the PSLE year, but it was a good family reunion and loads of good food =) Oh yes, really thankful to all the people who made me feel better... thanks Jolin and Wenshan... u guys are great friends =)

Ok so on Saturday, my grandma took us out for dinner at this Chinese restaurant...Hanting came along too... hey she specifically invited him. Bleah...

so anyway.... there's the photo that Hanting wanted to take with my mom... for once he took a relatively proper one, most of the time he spoils the photo... then of cos we had to take an all girl shot (Chengsi and Yinghui!!! Where r u ppl????) and a photo of cute geng =)

then of course there was the birthday cake which I chose and it tasted good!! Haha my chocolate cake choosing skills are not bad =) So Happy 12th Birthday Jing!! Hope u liked ur presents from us =) Not to worry gal... PSLE will be fine!

Eat Vinegar.

2006-01-15T22:59:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling all sore now.

I can't help it. I tried to think of happier things, like how I have new blades, a new bike, a bigger room, no more 'A' Levels to take.... but it all didn't work. Dinner at Igen Japanese Restaurant was unexciting. The buffet didn't appeal to me at all, and the oyako don and chawanmushi I ordered were rather tasteless, probably only because my taste buds weren't quite in the mood to taste and the neurons forming my olfactory system weren't in the mood to fire anyway. Maybe the suggestion to let her take business class was what tipped me over, more that what I could take, my tears didn't take long to flow.

Ever since the excitement of my 21st birthday and all the presents faded off, I was thrown back into reality. I realised nothing has changed, I don't know if that is good or bad. In my dad's eyes, I don't seem to be any older (or wiser) than I was a year back. I recall how a friend once told me he didn't really see his 21st birthday as significant because "what difference does it make whether you are 20 years and 364 days or 21 years old?" Now I kindof understand what he means. Sigh, my hopes of going to US to visit my cousin have been crushed, or rather disapproved, completely. Or as Hanting would say, "consperm gone". To help matters, my sister is going on a trip to New York and Washington for a 11 day conference for some global youth leaders whatever thing. 10K my parents paid for it. Not to mention that my dad is getting her a ticket on SQ25, the relatively new direct flight on the new A345 planes from New york - Singapore. Executive economy class. Let's not talk about her flight there, maybe even business class. Ok, fine, my dad thought of bringing us there for holiday too. But who doesn't know that the poor med student has holidays that are almost non-existent? too bad for me. Let's just pray and hope that when I finally graduate, all the sacrifices will be worth it.

I long thought of myself as the leader between me and her. The one who does everything before she lays her hands on it. Afterall, I am 4 years older. Well, she has very much been in my shadows all the while I guess, a lead I am glad to have. But it also dawned on me that as I turn 21, my lead isn't quite there. You know once upon a time, it was always Haoyun do this and Haoyun do that because Haojin is too young to do this and that. As I feel myself aging, I feel like the waves are pushing me on. You know those idioms about how the waves in front get pushed by the waves behind, yea, I am the wave in front, or rather I was, but I feel the power and threat of the one behind. I feel myself crashing under its power. I fear the little one that has always been behind engulfing me completely. I always thought these idioms were used to describe the relationship between generation, you know like between say, me and my parents. But no, apparently it doesn't only work that way. You know maybe I should be happy that she is finally laying her own path and not walking on the path I laid, but the word is "should".

Fine, I admit I am a sore loser, that I am not happy at all. In fact, I am super jealous and eating a lot of vinegar. My future doesn't seem as bright as it was once upon a time. Her brightness just casts a shadow on me. I feel the tears on my face, I feel myself typing faster and faster. I hate all this. I really do. I hate it I hate it I hate it...

Maybe I have chosen the wrong path. Maybe I am not supposed to be a doctor. What if one day she gets a job like my dad and gets to travel all over the world with all the perks of being a frequent flyer? Will I regret then? Will I gain enough satisfaction from what I have chosen to carry on? My tutor was right, making a decision at 19 years old is just too young for me. Will I grow to regret someday? I dunno, I feel horrible terrible I just want to lock myself up and cry... why...

Hanting... I think this is for you...

2006-01-15T22:02:00.001+08:00

Romance

Romance is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You need romance in your life. You love the extra dimension that romance brings to a relationship and you tend to fall in love very quickly.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Well okay... I don't think its true...

But I notice that hotness is 0.0%...

Care Bears

2006-01-15T21:52:00.000+08:00

See what Care Bear you are.

Half of January gone...

2006-01-14T00:52:00.000+08:00

Yes 1/2 gone. 1/2 of January... that's pretty fast eh?

With Chinese New Year round the corner, my diet plans for the makeover session have been failing terribly. Sigh... Maybe I just have to wait till after Chinese New Year, like Law ball which hopefully ting lets me go with him.... He isn't too keen on having me as a supporter for Law King pageant... how upsetting =(

I guess I have just been busy enjoying the holidays, the relatively slack school life, and feeling very bored doing my CHP at Mount E. Can't believe the appearance of a patient who hits criteria makes me so happpeeee.... there are hardly any at Mt E.

Also celebrated my grandma's 75th birthday with buffet at Royal Plaza Hotel! This has got to be one of my favourite places to go for buffet... fantastic spread, and not super duper expensive :D Bought grandma a wallet for her birthday and a chocolate truffle cake from Swissbake which wasn't all that good though... or so I thought... maybe we were all just too full from chocolate fondue straight off the fountain :D

Dinner with my cousins tmr!! Haha and Jing's birthday celebration!!! Oops... more chocolate cake....

One thing suddenly struck me: Hey Xuanhui, hope u r doing fine in Tekong =p can't wait to see u back for Chinese New Year!

Chocolate cake! YuM~

2005-12-31T00:23:00.000+08:00

My 21st Birthday was a bash! I loved EVERY MINUTE of it. Wow! I enjoy having my birthday fall in the school holidays, always great, almost stress free, and the perfect season :D

I can't think of words to do the whole event justice. Don't quite like writing, so photos will best describe everything!

We booked into the chalet on 28 Dec, just me, Haojin and Hanting, with my mom popping in occasionally... Of course there was so much to do we were so excited! Played PS, went bowling, watched The Myth, played Uno, and of cos all the food mommy made! The kueh Bangkit - perfect way to get fat b4 birthday...

The night ended with us playing pool, playing arcade, then falling asleep while watching chicken little. Really don't understand the humour inside it...

On 29 Dec, I woke up for a morning jog with my mom and returned to find 2 sleeping piggies and a keycard that didn't work. The poor 2 of us who were locked out then visited the gym while waiting for the reception to open, then finally drove out to buy breakfast =) Mocha ice-blended for me, fat-free and no added sugar version =) After bumming around a bit more, me decided to cycle my spanking new bike home! Haha save transport costs later... fantastic bike I tell u, the first birthday present I got =)

The afternoon was spent at the Karaoke with Jin and Ting. Ok, I admit I can't sing, I think we sounded rather terrible, especially when we ended up croaking at the end. Haha Jin and Ting... I will never forget Nose bleed song =)

The party finally started with the arrival of early birds Amy, Pakling and Stella. Of cos me decided to wear a dress for my birthday! I got it off the Robinson's kids department, heh... the label says "for ages 10-11" oops. Earrings were handmade by my sister! Matching colour =p Oh of course the food arrived too, much earlier than I expected... Haha. But the food was good! Yummy yummy... I highly recommend this caterer! Not on the expensive side at all!

As the night got on, more people arrived. Special thanks to Roy, Michelle and Zhenjin who made the effort of running 2 parties that night! I feel so honoured! Glad the food and games were great! Happy~ and I got to see all the great pals I haven't seen in ages...And oh yes, my lil' cousins are always stuck to Hanting's Playstation...

Then came to the time to cut the cake! I had a 5kg cake from Choc-a-bloc... super nice right? Haha, went round Singapore trying cakes before I made my choice =) so pleased with myself! The 21 candles was unexpected, but more importantly, I recall standing in front of my 5kg cake, rather tongue-tied. Lots of thoughts were flowing through my mind, I had so much to say, rather than nothing to say. Each and every one standing there meant a lot to me. My family, my friends... Okay my vocabulary is just bad...

Daddy and Mommy: Daddy you played golf till so late on my birthday!! Golf addict I call u. Thankew thankew thankew for the watch, the card and the pretty cross-stitch!! Haha, maybe I should have studied in school more often -grin- Regardless of whether I am 21, I will make sure I will still remain the little baby at home~ haha~

HaoJin: Thankew for everything my dear lil' sister! Haha everyone thinks u r older than me! bleah~ See, I get the right to be the lil' baby *bleah*

Hanting: Tingy tingy tingy!!! Yay your presents are so pretty! Especially all the glow-in-the dark stars!! Yay yay yay!!! Nuff said, Luv ya~ *muackz*

My cousins: Thankew to u people for being there at my every birthday, for all the fun, jokes and laughter, and for all the outings and love. I love u guys! Hope we will continue to be this close forever and ever! To Chengsi, Yinghui, Boongyong... We miss u guys! Hope u peeps r doing fine too, have a Happy New 2006 ahead!

My fellow JC classmates: Funky M Rulez! Who can forget our very own froggy dance, terrorist Yanladdin, muggertoads Roy and KaiChin, my fellow class-rep Waileong, super dancer + bballer Amy, how we mixed up Linus and Lester, Jerry the Judoka, Kiang who gave me a little birdie in m1 Vday gift exchange, super genius Jon Chia? Of course there is Zhenjin, the first guy I confided in with all my relationship problems back in JC, and Yanru my fellow CG mate! I'm glad u guys have always been there for me, great friends I can really count on! Really look forward to having more class gatherings. A pity the rest couldn't be here, let's meet up again soon!!! yay~ Thanks a million for the huge prezzie guys. I love it =)

The Medfac ppl: Now that even Haoyun has turned 21 means that we are closer to graduation! Yay~ Hang in there guys, 50% over =)

The night was over much faster than I had wanted it to be. We had joy, we had fun =) I ended the day with opening presents, watching the guys play Mahjong, and joining my fellow colleagues in a game of Taboo! Haha results show that girls and guys are rather evenly matched in our society -grin-

Oh I love all my prezzies!!! Thankew thankew thankew!!! Not going to list out all that I got but just to say that they are all in my room on the floor and I have no space left to walk! Yes that many!!! And all the cards sprawled across my table! Yippee yippee yippee! I get cards to keep =) Ok I'll admire them a while longer before I have to clear my table for COFM *grumble grumble*

No chalet is complete without supper! So we drove out to Changi Village =) I think we were all too stuffed from the nice buffet and the nice cake to eat, so we just had something to drink =) 3am! Haha, Linus Yanru and I had to wake up in 4 hours for CHP meeting...

After 3 games of sabotuers and an attempt to watch Madagascar, we all dozed off one by one on the couch... heh... me fell asleep on Hanting's shoulder...=) The alarm rang at 730am and we were off to school, back to work, back to normal life. There ends my one entire day of living in my little perfect world. Now a new year ahead, a new year being 20+1 =)

~Birthday Wishlist~

2005-12-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

I don't think I want to know what I am going to receive, kindof spoils the fun doesn't it... hrm... but I'll put up a wishlist anyway, u guys can tag if u r going to get sthing so that ppl don’t repeat it.
As for me, cos I don’t want to know what I will get, so I won’t be reading the tags or visiting my blog :D
Here goes…

a new bike (My aunt said she will get this for me... yippee!)
Rollerblades! (the strap of my old ones broke... bleah) Size 6 will be good I think, though keeping the receipt is a better idea :D
Sudoku books! (I have gotten into this huge Sudoku craze, hrm, there is this series called Sudoku for Dummies and they have volume 1 to 3, there is also this black colour book called Killer Sudoku... yay~)
Birthday cards! (Just a small request, can I have some birthday cards for keepsake? I still like to keep this tradition, must make sure everyone signs on some birthday card or another!)
Sunglasses~ perfect rollerblading companion. Doesn't hurt to have one more right? heh...
I-trip! You know that FM transmitter thingy for my Ipod Mini =)
The strawberry flavoured body lotion from The Body Shop.... goodness that one is heavenly... knowing me, I prob can't bear to use it though... heh... unless maybe there is some really special occasion? Haha… that is about the only Body Shop product I like though…
Adidas Climacool running shoes: my favourite brand so far! got a nice blue pair since JC (white is a bad colour, gets dirty too fast) but it is showing signs of breakdown :( Can't quite remember my shoe size though.. I think its 6? Good to retain the receipt in any case ya?

Note: please don't get me soft toys, I like them, but I've got TOO many that I can't give each of them enough attention and I feel all guilty about it...

Yay! off to Japan tonight! -grin-

Feeling Blue

2005-12-28T10:17:00.000+08:00

Sigh.
Went to see Shiyu off at the airport this morning, and now taking time off doing COFM to blog.
Feeling rather moody this morning. I dunno why...

I'm not excited about my birthday anymore. Now it seems like just another party. One which I don't quite feel like going... Somehow I just feel so empty inside, feel so lonely. I miss the Decembers of the past...

For some reason, my closest friends all don't seem to be around for my 21st birthday. As I watch each of them leave, my heart starts to sink. Somehow it seems really deep down now, I don't even want a party anymore. I had initally thought of what to wear, but I don't feel like it now. Much too bright for my mood. The gloomy skies just seem to shround around me. I don't see the light. I don't even feel like exercising anymore.

No big deal. I'm just turning 21. everyone turns 21 sometime or another don't they? no special feelings anymore. Now I wish all these didn't happen...

I hope this is just one of my down swings. Maybe it is caused by COFM. maybe not.
Let's hope I will regain some sunshine tmr, or it will be really painful.

Chengsi, Yinghui, Shiyu, Jolin... I miss u guys u know... hope u are enjoying urself now...

2005-12-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

My 3 Darling little cousins... Ok they can be quite naughty... but they r rather adorable :D

2005-12-26T00:43:00.000+08:00

Top Left shows all the prezzies I got this Christmas! Yay~ Me love prezzies... Me love the Christmas tree... Me love Christmas~

2005-12-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

More pIctures of the Party! Look at the tons of prezzies under the tree! Whee I love Christmas~ Of cos it was my cousin's birthday too! He's 8 now... wow... Happy birthday again Geng! Look at all the food... goodness I'm sure I gained tons of weight today...

2005-12-26T00:39:00.001+08:00

This is my Christmas prezzie to him! Part of it at least... Its a marimo! Air flown from Lake Akan in Japan! Please keep it alive Hanting... tsk tsk...

2005-12-26T00:39:00.000+08:00

My Christmas Prezzie from Hanting! Haha its a Nike sports bra and 3 winnie the pooh singlets! The sizes r kindof a bit off though... tsk tsk...

I'm back!!!

2005-12-23T01:55:00.000+08:00

Back from Japan...
Great trip!
Pictures speak better than words... So i'll just post tonnes of them!

Btw... I still haven't read my blog... shall stick to my promise and not read it... so I hope the pictures will come out!

2005-12-23T01:49:00.000+08:00

bottom right = Docomo (Japanese Telephone company) mascot

2005-12-23T01:46:00.000+08:00

Top left = lazee piggie who spends ages getting out of bed every morning... not me...

2005-12-23T01:45:00.000+08:00

I dunno what sliding down a slope on a plastic board is called... but eating ice cream while snowing is fantastic! cos the ice cream never melts and u can take ur time...

2005-12-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

More photos! That's me feeding the swans, bottom left is midnite ramen supper :D

2005-12-23T01:42:00.000+08:00

Just more of us! Oh btw that black ice cream is squid ink flavoured ice cream... I didn't like it but my sis did

2005-12-23T01:39:00.000+08:00

Air Travel =p

2005-12-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

More Winter shots... oh I just love the snow...

2005-12-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

Blizzard!!!

2005-12-23T01:28:00.000+08:00

The Winter Wonderland =D

2005-12-23T01:24:00.000+08:00

Japanese Food! Oh my god I just went crazee with food...

2005-12-23T01:21:00.000+08:00

more exciting Japanese food!... not hard to understand how I put on weight...

Food

2005-12-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

I think I am going little mad... been eating tons of koko krunch lately I actually surfed the internet for more exciting cereals...
And here is what I found... haha... the stuff that interests me but I can't find in Singapore... heh... Now I realize how pathetic the selection in Singapore is...

ok enough of playing around.
off to bed~

Birthday wishlist

2005-12-10T00:19:00.000+08:00

I have decided I will put one up.
It is currently in the making... heh... will be up b4 I leave for Japan in a week's time...

hey... how did i end up in med school?!?!?!?!

2005-12-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

Business/Management
You scored 18 mental chops, 20 work ethic, 9 bullshitability, and 16 practicality!

You want a major that requires neither intelligence nor work, is no-nonsense, and might at least help you after college. Welcome to the Business and Management department!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on mental chops

You scored higher than 90% on work ethic

You scored higher than 6% on bullshitability

You scored higher than 97% on practicality

Link: The What Should You Major In? Test written by chapstiquette on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Sunday night

2005-12-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Its sunday night again!!!
The weekend really flies, especially so when saturday is a half-day.

Didn't quite like the pharmaco paper but just glad its over.

Had lunch with Hanting yesterday at some new restaurant in Taka... didn't like the food though, except for the pork floss tauhu. The idea was great! That is going to be one of the new additions to my dinner table :D Anyway, we bummed around orchard a bit, admired the new car that was on display outside the Singtel shop, ate choc-a-bloc, did Sudoku, then headed home. That was one outing we haven't had in ages. Had steamboat dinner at home :D I love such dinners, nice healthy food which doesn't make u feel all guilty, and a chance to sit round the dinner table with everyone else, it hardly ever happens in my family you know.
Woke rather late today, and somehow just felt tired throughout the day. Tried (and still trying) to crack the 16 by 16 Sudoku which I copied off a book at Times, had a good run and a good dinner, with family again:D

Rather unexciting weekend actually, nothing big happened, but it does make me happy to just enjoy the simple things in life. Really.

Not quite looking forward to next week. Haven't even looked at the questions for the interactive session tmr, prob not going to do it till tmr morning. And there is still ward assessment, my COFM visit, the paeds case write up, clinical test and theory test..GRRR...never mind, all will fall in place, somehow.

Looking forward to my birthday!!! Soon...another 25 days, will get down to doing some organizing soon... yippee!!! :D

1 more month...

2005-11-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

OnE mOrE mOnTh 2 My BdAe -GrIn-

I'm starting to feel excited... even though there is the impending pharmaco CA and paeds end-of-posting test. -bleah-

Today was rather unproductive despite me coming home at 1pm. Ward assesment was over faster than I expected and didn't go too badly. Prof Loke probably didn't have much time for us anyway. Thank goodness I had a patient who was rather candid regarding his social problems cos I never expected Prof Loke to question me on that.

Seems like another week that is going to zoom by rather quickly, and I am not quite prepared for pharmaco though motivation to study is rather low. Planning my COFM visit this weekend, hopefully all will go well =)

Guess the only really productive thing I did today was to have a jog on the treadmill! Yay! Its been ages. Not my ideal type of exercise but with the rainy weather I guess it was the best I could do. The good news is, I think my knee is recovering! Yippee yay yay!
Mom: I think that machine of yours was making my hematoma worse and probably driving the inflammation, so I stopped using it for 3 days and all is well =)
-jumping around-

Nice rainy weather, perfect for curling up in bed.
Shall try to finish off something neonatal jaundice first...

I just feel like blogging =)

2005-11-26T00:25:00.000+08:00

You know, its been ages since I posted a proper blog entry. I have just been too lazy (not really busy).

It is 5 weeks through my paediatrics posting, time really flies. Paeds is tough, just as I was warned, but I really enjoy kids. In great contrast to the adult wards, stepping into the paeds ward doesn't quite feel like a hospital. There are always kids running around, Mr Ronald McDonalds distributing toys, balloons, stickers, and of course no lack of kids glued to the cartoons on TV as well as their Gameboys. Each bedside is brightly decorated with pretty looking pyjamas, soft toys and balloons. Well, okay, not everything is that rosy, the really sick and toxic looking kids do look quite unwell, but it is really satisfying to see them running around just after a few days of treatment... =) You know the IV plug and saline drips don't bother most kids, they just push it around and go visiting from bed to bed anyway. I wish I was a kid once again...

I admire the kids for their courage in dealing with their illnesses. One patient I met today really left a deep impression on me. He is a 16 year old boy. We barely had a 20 minute conversation cos we had to rush for tutorial, but the lessons learnt were tremendous. It wasn't anything about his clinical condition (for the record, he has chronic renal failure due to a post urethral valve leading to bilateral hydronephrosis and renal damage since birth). It was just about him as a person. His outlook on life was so cheerful, and he gladly told me everything about his condition. He told me he hoped he would be able to help us (med students) and was sorry he didn't have the time to entertain more of us. You see, he was admitted for training on peritoneal dialysis, something which he would need every day, for the rest of his life. Just imagine, a 16yr old boy, stuck to a machine for 10 hours each day. In addition to 8 different types of medicine daily, watching his diet, keeping away from contact sports etc etc etc. Just watching him interact with his parents and the other patients was simply heartwarming. How many 16 yr old boys would hug their parents for helping him buy a nice trolley from ikea for his dialysis machine?

Times like these make me feel ashamed of myself. For the lack of self confidence compared to the 16 yr old, for throwing tantrums, complaining and crying over trivial matters in life, and just for the way I don't treasure my health.

I guess I'll try to rest my knee and hopefully the injury will heal.

Doing paeds writeup

2005-11-15T00:22:00.000+08:00

4 days to Harry Potter.
44 Days to my birthday!!!

my eyes?

2005-11-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

FALCON EYES

You have Falcon Eyes!
Positive Traits: Adventurous,Brave, Creative, Kind, Loving
Negative Traits: Apathetic, Carefree, Indifferent,Distant, Withdrawn

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

thursday night

2005-11-03T18:48:00.000+08:00

i hate social obligations.

2005-10-30T00:40:00.000+08:00

gone are the days when life was about running around and being worry free. i hate growing up.

.

2005-10-30T00:26:00.000+08:00

I always read her blog.
I see happy girls.
or rather i see a happy girl.
very happy girl.

but i am a sad girl.
my blog really shouldn't be pink.
it doesn't reflect me. at all.
pink is a happy colour.
suits her blog perfectly.
she just glows.
radiance.
happiness.
doesn't simply come with being attached.
i assure u.

why can't i be a happy girl like her?
i dunno.
my life isn't good.
really.
some people just get all the best things in life.
it isn't fair.
really.
i want a happy family.
not my dad screaming at me.
i want a happy relationship.
but no i don't have one.
i want to do well in school.
but i don't.
sometimes i wonder why me.
why can't i be the happy girl with the happy blog?
i wonder if my life is really worth living.
jolin says rgs girls hide their feelings.
do u think i do?
yes i think so.

why
why
why
why do i go to bed so unhappy.
why can't i smile myself to sleep.
cos i just don't have it.
don't have the happiness inside me.
i miss rj
i really do.
the best times in my life.
the most happiness i ever had.
i could feel it inside me.
but ever since then it is all gone.

someone help me.
i think i need psy referral.
maybe no one can help me.
not even psy.
it is late.
once again i cry myself to sleep.
this is my life.

2005-10-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

This was taken at the Great Wall of China 10 years back!!! Haha still remember how i brought my panda along and carried it over the hills and into the caves in my backpack... The good 'ol days...

2005-10-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

These photos were taken from my Handphone, during my stroll from Yunnan bookstore back home. Dunno what drove me crazy that day, with my ipod out of batt somemore... but i reached... the photos were taken off the flyover... and the lizard one was taken from the noticeboard in the underpass to east coast park.

2005-10-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

This is Liying. The amazing girl learned how to rollerblade with under me and Jolin's coaching *clap clap* Next time we'll call u along for blading! Yay! rock climbing next week =)

2005-10-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

This all happened on Children's Day, when Ting and I went to Suntec City. In our walk around Carrefour, the promoter gave us a sample of the ice-cream, and someone didn't feel satisfied so wanted to buy the whole tub! 1 litre. "The ice-cream challenge" he called it, and we were supposed to finish it. So this shows what happened. The happy Ting (pics 1 and 2) later got high and almost wanted to strangle himself with my hello kitty hairband (picture 3), but WE finally finished it (pic 4) and picture 5 shows the effect of about 700ml of rocky road overload on a 21 year old male. I was perfectly fine and normal after 300ml =) (pic 6)

2005-10-23T22:08:00.000+08:00

CG24! with our group co-ordinator Dr Richard Chen. He is one of the doctors in CGH I have great respect for. Truly a good tutor. I'm glad we had him =)

Peads posting tmr =)

2005-10-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

I'm kindof excited about going to KK =)
Meeting kids has got to be fun... though peads is supposed to be really tough, but I've got my brightly coloured sunflower book to keep me going! Well... hopefully it does... And for once there will be brightly coloured wards with little tikes beds =) I dreaded Changi... at least I'll be away from there till next April.

This holiday was rather unexciting I must say, didn't do as much as I wanted to cos for most of it I was down with fever, chills, rigors, headaches, retro-orbital pain and myalgia. Yes that does sound like something. The doc thought so too and I was supposed to go back to him on day 4 (which the fever still persisted) to get an FBC done. But I was reluctant and lazy... bleah...

Its day 5 now but the fever has come down so I guess I won't go back to the doc anymore. (Yes I know that platelets continue to drop after the fever comes down but... heh... who wants to be a patient on day 1 of posting? and management doesn't change right? just CRIB which I am not going to follow anyway... bleah)

Did get to spend some time with Ting this week, though he was kindof buzy... as usual. Had some great time with Jolin, Liying and Claudia at ECP too! I think i got significantly darker. Yanru, hope u r doing fine...

M3 is going by really fast, I hope I come out of it feeling one step nearer to being a doctor. I miss my old CG, but i look forward to working with my new CG too!! =)
Will post some photos, some rather outdated, but oh well... pictures always speak better than words =)

Till the next time...

Oh yes I'm so excited about rock climbing next saturday! yay!

project!

2005-10-16T15:27:00.000+08:00

well lack of posts for now... cos my next aim is to scan all my photos since childhood and keep them onto CDs! cos u know photos get yellow and all... haha

will post up whatever interesting photos I find :D

Oh end of posting test was crap...
wateva erythroderma is... crap

One precious week coming... but ticking away too

2005-09-26T00:24:00.000+08:00

we tried to take a nice shot again.... haha suntec sky garden! remember the time we climbed up the monkey bar...

2005-09-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

yay 3 pretty gals =) long time since we last met up

2005-09-26T00:12:00.000+08:00

remember back then, the last day of JC2.... boy it was 3 years ago...

2005-09-26T00:10:00.000+08:00

I love my JC class. As we move on, we remember, all the times we had together...

LAZEE

2005-09-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

me just lazy to blog. really...
life hasn't been all that great... except meeting up with shiyu, winston and yanru today! I really miss the times where we all just sit and talk crap... sometimes serious sometimes not.

Pictures speak louder than words i guess... will post once winston sends them to me =)

Just a thought: Life is sad when somethings are just beyond ur control. But it is always worth a try I guess. Anything is... especially when u have nothing to lose

Argh. Medicine.

2005-08-26T00:54:00.000+08:00

I miss NUH.
*wail*

2005-08-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

Doctor-to-be -grin- My little apprentice next time =)

2005-08-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

Somehow these little kids are very excited over the worm soft toys that my mom made. The orange one is made by Hanting! Haha its been named E ting (aka Evil ting) =) My littliest cousin always chooses it over the ones my mommy made!

2005-08-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

The fine tasters of all food. Especially the one in blue...

2005-08-12T23:49:00.000+08:00

Jing and her finished product =) tasted good I swear. I helped her put the letter 'J' using chocolate pocky!

To Changi in one week...

2005-08-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

Just one week left to surgery posting. Oh well. Somehow I am SO VERY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO MEDICINE!
Which physician will grade ur posting marks based on ur writeup? and I can't imagine any physician who will be happy to hear you say "there were no stigmata of chronic liver disease." and not continue to list out the whole thing. Bleah.
I think I will do surgery next time. Or so I hope. Can't decide till I graduate though. bleah.

Last weekend my little cousin came over to learn how to bake brownies. Good thing to learn girl, then u can make ur own all the time. Pretty easy right? haha... I was baking instructuress =) I must say she is a smart and fast learner, yay way to go Jing! Next time u can progress to baking urself a brownie bday cake! =) Then Kan and Geng will help u finish up... haha!
I love my lil' cousins, they are so adorable! haha... will post up the photos!
-grin-

Jing when u have perfected the brownies I shall teach u how to make white chocolate cake =) Got a nice recipe I've been dying to try...
-grin-

2005-08-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

Ward 43 Residence room... our base camp!

2005-08-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

NUH kopitiam =)

2005-08-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

Jolin gal I miss you at salsa... =)

week - ends

2005-08-06T19:11:00.000+08:00

I dread saturdays.
I hate the early morning lectures.
I hate going for tuition.
Then comes the nice home cooked lunch, or so I think.
But it is always spoilt by the question " so anyone has any plans this afternoon?"
All goes down from there.
I hate the sight of my dad zooming off, golf set in tow.
I hate the sight of my mom and sis zooming off in her car, leaving me in the trail of dust.
I hate the fact that my boyfriend calls, telling me I am indecisive and have no initiative.
And at the end of all that, its just me, sitting in my room, face covered with tears.

What happened to the days? The good old days...
Me and Jin dressing up in matching clothes, all heading off to grandma's house.
All FOUR of us.
The days where we all played till we got all sweaty, parents complaining, and we still didn't want to leave.
The fun filled days of treasure hunts and hide-and-seek with cousins and all...
I still remember how Chengsi and I squeezed into grandma's wadrobe once and no one could find us!
Then there would be the ice-cream treat at 7-11, always greeted with glee!
Whatever happened to those days? Where did they go?

I hate to think what Sunday would be like.
From experience, Dad usually disappears, then claims he will be back for dinner at 7 plus.
Mom: oh well, she will prob have some project to do.
Jin will be pouring over math, econs, lit and history.
Boyfriend will call in late morning, then by afternoon tell me that I'm indecisive.
Then it will just be me, alone in the room, again.

The good old days disappear again.
What happened to our Sunday morning trips to the club?
Splashing around in the pool, or hitting shuttlecocks across the net.
Then the hawker centre lunch.
Off home for some light activity, then cycling trip at ECP, complete with dinner too.
Maybe even grocery shopping after that.

I make an effort to stay home on weekends.
To spend time with my family.
To finish my work during the weekdays, just so we could all be together.
I irritate my boyfriend and turn down all his dates. He hates me for it, I know.
But things just don't happen the way I want them too.
It is always just me, silence, and tears streaming down my cheeks.
Always.

Is my presence really not worth appreciating?
Must they all wait till I get diagnosed with gall bladder carcinoma before realizing that a 5 year survival rate of 5% is just too little?
Am I really not worth their time?
Just because I am ADL independent, does that mean its okay to leave me alone at home?

Just let the tears flow.
Let it all flow out.
Be strong girl.
Be strong, hang in there.
Monday will arrive, and it will all be better.
Sad, but true.

Ages since I last blogged...

2005-08-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

Haha... not that' I've been busy, just pure lazy to blog.
Just a small update:

I am now into Week 6 of my Surgery posting at NUH, and its great fun and I don't want to leave. *sob*
Had 3 night duties so far, all which proved to be exciting. Went to OT a couple of times too. Yay! Got to assist this inguinal hernia op where the MO said that "his hernia sack is enough to fit the size of my head" haha =) When your reg buys u prata for supper, what more can u ask for? *grin*
I think I want to do Surgery... Oh I dread Medicine, can't believe we have to go to all small detail about rheumatology and what not again... argh... Will be happy to stick to simpler stuff like acute appendicitis and inguinal hernias =)
My CG has been pretty great so far, yay! =)

I hope I'll make it through my MBBS finals on the first attempt! yay! I can't wait to be a HO! -grin-

I don't know why I am in such high spirits today, despite reaching home at 3 am last night!

Wait a minute, the water on the table is vibrating... earthquake!!! I don't think I am imagining things... haha... it does happen pretty often over here...

Lardeedar I am just a happy little girl jumping around =) Super good mood today!can't stop grinning! -wide grin- No lecture on saturday, yay!

Things happen

2005-07-17T18:30:00.000+08:00

When he wants to meet me, I stare at the stack of books on my table and sigh.
When I want to meet him for dinner, he says he is out with his dad, so probably not, but he'll call again anyway. (I secretely hope he will finish shopping early)
The next time he calls, I pick up the phone with great anticipation.

him: hey I went to check out the ipod charger, and I found one..........
me: Ok, that's great! So now you going for dinner?
him: yup i'm going out for dinner.
(oh he's going out with his parents, family time for him, something he hardly gets, that's good)
me: With your parents ah? (just asking for the sake of hearing him say it)
him: no I'm going to meet my friends. we're going for dinner, then to salsa. I've told them I'm going already.
me: oh.
him: you want to come or not?
me: don't want la, so late, I got school tomorrow.
him: true, ok then, bye!

Call this communication breakdown? or insufficient communication?
Whatever it is, sure path to the ending of a relationship.

2005-07-17T18:10:00.000+08:00

What I spent the whole of yesterday on :D

UpDaTe!

2005-07-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

Another week has flown by. Time flies.
Am I not spending enought quality time with my boyfriend? perhaps not even spending enough time. Sigh... I dunno...

The week proved to be rather interesting, getting to know the docs around better, Yew Sen's chronic hiccups, rushing back from Yunnan for John Isaac's PBL (he gave us 10 minutes notice), roti prata + salsa on friday, Liying's mini birthday celebration and Harry potter yesterday!!! yay! I've finished reading the book and WHERE IS BOOK 7???????????? JK Rowling certainly did a good job of leaving the ending hanging... just hanging.... Grr...
But it was a good read anyway, definitely worth the whole of my saturday. 607 pages of thrilling adventure :p Sorry Boyfriend. Harry Potter wins this time. Haha... Still can't believe u thought Dobby was the half blood prince... hahahahahaha *bleah*

Made pancakes just now. So exciting!!! I think i've perfected my skill. Stored them in the freezer, I'm sure they will come in as handy snacks or lunches next week.
Mommy making char siew bao now... off to help!

Reality strikes

2005-07-17T07:10:00.000+08:00

Many a times in the wards I wonder if I'm evil. I still haven't quite taken to the idea of clerking patients, much less doing physical examination on them. They are in the hospital because they are feeling sick and they are there to rest!!! And we are like horrible little pest scurrying around and disrupting their peace and quiet.... its so evil... I mean... Primum non nocere right? why should we be disturbing them? Isn’t that considered doing harm? Why should they have to entertain us?
The worse part comes when the message goes around when "there is a nice case in Ward 43, Bed 17 I think, he's got good physical signs and he's very nice. Go see..." And you arrive there to find a really nice 50 year old man who has got liver ca, causing him to have a palpable liver 3 fingerbreaths below the sternal margin. He grins at you and knows the purpose of your visit before you can declare anything.
He smiles as he recounts his story in great detail, all as you scribble away furiously. And when you ask if you could examine him, he goes "sure, no problem" and just lies flat on his bed for you. You prod and push around his abdomen, then makes him breath in and out for you, time and time again, just so you can double confirm and triple confirm that you felt a liver, your heart racing with excitement… “wow! I can actually feel the liver! Yay!”
Then you thank him, pull open the curtains and leave, feeling all happy and pleased. Little do you know what runs through his mind. Think about it, he has CANCER. Yes, that’s the BIG word… think of all that must be running through his mind, all the worries that he has about his impending operation? Or have the doctors found metastases and told him there is no cure? What will happen to him? Or to the rest of his family? Do we care beyond our clerking notes, or our excitement at having detected an enlarged liver with an irregular edge?

Something is wrong about all this. Something dreadfully wrong.
I feel so sick sometimes, disgusted that I have done all of the above, and that I am continuously doing it. I hate it. But the peer pressure drives me to do things against my will, the fight for good grades, the fight for SURVIVAL.

Must life always be like that? Must one person’s success always be built upon someone else’s misery? Sometimes I really wish I hadn’t started on all this… Sigh…

Please let me graduate soon. At least then I would be able to help. I don’t like it the way it is. I really don’t.

Tired

2005-07-06T00:51:00.000+08:00

*yawn*
Blogging is so impossible nowadays I tell you. Things are made worse with NUH so far away from home and them not providing free parking so I can't drive! *grumble*

Surgery posting has been rather interesting so far, though I did get condemned for my lousy case presentation skills and lack of knowledge. But the doctors have generally been rather helpful, and I am beginning to feel less like the lost sheep I was during the first week at CSFC. My CG has been rather okay so far... and my partner darling Yew Sen is great! Haha... yay! We get along pretty well together, more than I can ask for =)

The first week flew by and ended off with Yet Yen and Roy's 21st Bdays. Lotsa parties going on and all I am doing is eating and not exercising. Gone is my routine of waking up early to jog, evident by the extra kgs I have added to my waistline. You see, if I have to reach NUH by 730, and I have to leave home by 7, that would mean getting up at 5+ to jog? Insanity really. I haven't done it yet. Not to mention that we usually TARGET to reach Ward 43 by 7... Haha doesn't really happen though...

Looking forward to having more fun though the amount of stuff we actually have to know and see does appear really daunting. Doesn't help that the docs are usually so busy that I feel so bad about troubling them to help correct my case presentation skills.

Did my first PR last week! Haha... easier than I thought :) Next target will be to try prick someone... heh...

Having fun with my new silver ipod mini too! yay! Thank you mommy... *muackz* I wish you would sleep with me more often though... Bad daddy *hrmph*

Ok time to go to bed. Shall have to drag myself out of bed tomorrow to attend GS Grand round presentation of Psoas Abscess. *grumble* I just saw the presentation today! Still feeling bloated from dinner, mommy cooked nice sweet and sour fish and made kueh dadar! yummy...

Come to think of it... I'm sure I've got some GIT problems. I suffer from chronic constipation and abdominal discomfort related to food intake I tell you. Someone can try clerk me or something...

ZZZzzzzzzz......